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WHAT SHE CARRIES

Kathryn K Burns Leaphart

When I decided a few years back to face the trauma I suffered as a child, it became clear pretty quickly that this journey would be more complexed than I could have ever imagined.

One thing that keeps coming up in my mind is where did the trauma start if it didn’t start with me.

How is this trauma connected to me physically(flesh) mentally (heart emotions) and spiritually (sealed with Jesus)?

How do I break the cycle/curse that’s repeating in my children?

I would have gathered that the trouble started with mama, as she grieved the death of her mother all the while carrying me. But I would be wrong. Her grief wasn’t the only grief she carried. She also harbored a stowaway, hidden, to be revealed in her later in life, but it was there with me, in her womb. The grief and trauma her biological mother suffered when they snatched my mother at birth and lay her all alone in a hospital basinet for four months, before she was adopted.

My mother found her biological mother a few short years after she died. She also discovered that her mother married and had four sons (remember this, it’s important). If that wasn’t unsettling enough, she also found out her mother was shot in the leg, the bullet connected to a main artery, and she bled out and died before help could arrive. But wait, there’s more. She also found out her mother may have been a teen mom and may have been involved with a soldier at a brothel. When interviewing her mother’s best friend, the friend shared that my grandmother always talked about having a child in the world and not knowing if it were a girl or a boy. That was so sad, the world was a much different place back then. There wasn’t much information on her father, other than a possible ethnicity. This was in the late 80’s folks, so there wasn’t much to go on. This information was thrilling, we could finally have a whole picture of where we came from. However wonderful it may have seemed at the time, as we sat reading the paperwork together, it would never come to fruition, because mama was not having it.

My mother grew up during the Civil Rights movement, She’s had rocks thrown at her and white boys spitting on her as she walked home from school and lots of racial unrest in her life. The last thing she needed was to find out her dad may have been white. To her, it was an agonizing, unbearable truth, that stabbed at her person and I could see the pain in her face. She told me and my sister that we were not to go searching for her father or his side of the family until she died. That’s all I have to say about that.

In his book ” It Didn’t Start With You”, Mark Wolynn goes into intricate detail about trauma that could be inherited by family members.

Here is what he found:

  1. Inherited family trauma can be passed down through generations: Traumatic events such as slavery and the holocaust that impacted our ancestors can be passed down through our genes and impact us in dramatic and sometimes devastating ways.
  2. Trauma often times can affect our behavior (flesh) and emotions (mind gate, heart and soul): Family induced trauma projects itself in our lives as anxiety, depression, phobias, compulsive behavior, and other emotional and behavioral patterns that can be difficult and complex.
  3. Epigenetics help facilitate family trauma through expression: Epigenetic changes, which are changes in gene expression pass down through generations and are complicit in the transference of inherited family trauma.
  4. Healing from family trauma is hard work and the first step is to recognize what it is. To overcome inherited family trauma, do a family history check. Look for patterns and behaviors that you seem to be repeating from your ancestors that are operating in your current situation. This is how you move forward to break the cycle of trauma in your life and that of those who come after you.

Now let’s look at this through a Christian point of view. I think Mr. Wolynn makes some very valid points that can be very useful if we are going to be serious about healing.

I believe however, that Jesus made the biggest point of all. Let’s look at Him, shall we? Jesus fulfilled the Law (Mosaic). Matthew 5:17 NIV. Once Jesus fulfilled the Covenant that God made with Moses the veil was torn and it gave the entire planet access to God. It gave us our identity back, who we were before the fall. TRAUMA FREE. Romans 5:19.

Here’s that looks like in simple biblical terms:

  1. Jesus was born to reconcile ALL of mankind back to God. (2 Corinthians 15) AMP
  2. If any of us choose to take advantage of this gift (Faith In Jesus) we are born again and our old spirit dies. We are in turn new creatures. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
  3. The benefits of this Faith in Jesus gives us top shelf privileges through ZOE love.
    • “Zoe” is a Greek word that is often translated as “life” in English, particularly in the New Testament. It is often used to refer to eternal life or the spiritual life that comes from being in a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
  4. What I surmised is that once we are reborn in Christ our Spirit man is made new and is completely sealed with Christ. Making us whole (nothing missing, nothing broken) against death and giving us eternal life. Here’s the problem, that doesn’t take away my trauma. Our Body (flesh) and Soul (mind gate, emotions).

My mother and I at a concert in 2012

There is no scientific proof of generational curses affecting a certain gender or bloodline. What I did discover in my own family is profound. Early in my marriage I decided that the curse of promiscuity would not overwhelm the lives of our daughters as it did me. Consistently praying over their well-being and decision-making process where their sexuality was concerned.

Over the years I realized that the women in our family were being targeted. My grandmother, my mother, my sister and myself. Not to mention the total amount of 7 children between the two of us. That’s four generations of trauma that has to be addressed. I am 52 years old, and I am constantly renewing my mind with God’s word about who I am. It’s hard and it’s difficult at times, when I hear loud noises in another room, or I hear one of my grandchildren cry out in pain.

I imagine it’s tough for my mom, dealing with issues of rejection, fear, anger and hostility towards herself and the life she has endured. How her trauma affected every area of my life as a child, an adult. As a single mother, as a wife. As a new creature in Christ, trying to survive in this fallen world.

I imagine it’s hard for my sister, dealing with the reminder of our childhood and the lack there of. Dealing with the dark that held her captive for most of her adult life. Dealing with not being able to have a relationship with the likes of me.

This is really painful. I hate thinking about any of it. But if I am to heal and help others, I am going to have to wade through the muck and mire, to give hope. To be Jesus to the least of these.

Below you will find the links to the book(s) I mentioned in this blog. Also a link to my memoir and The Mirror Bible. If you know of anyone who needs to know they are not alone, please share this with them

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Published by Kathryn K Burns Leaphart

My passion for people and writing has lead me to this journey of healing

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