Luke 5:30Amplified Bible

³⁰ The Pharisees and their scribes [seeing those with whom He was associating] began murmuring in discontent to His disciples, asking, “Why are you eating and drinking with the tax collectors and sinners [including non-observant Jews]?”

In February 2013 my husband and I went through a very difficult time in our marriage. We seemed to be growing apart and showed very little interest in each other. I knew that he was the love of my life, but something happened, I can’t even pinpoint it, but it was painful and destructive. From February to December of 2013, I believed that my marriage was over. Over the course of that time, I considered leaving and applying for legal separation. Our third oldest was in high school and we would take walks every day and talk about how I was feeling. How I wanted to leave, but I was having overwhelming feelings that told me to stay. The Holy Spirit was at work, even in my faithlessness.

We always promised to work on our marriage at all costs. But this ungodly grip, this festering sore, this weapon that formed and grazed my heart and stabbed at my mind, would not let me find relief, no matter how I cried out. I would have died in despair, but in my suffering, my spiritual life was beginning to make itself known to my flesh.

I was praying more in the spirit and my personal relationship with God was changing. In September of that year, I became restless in my church. The sermons though eloquent in speech and grandiose in spirit, felt empty and stagnate. Each Sunday came and went in repetitive, religious fashion as they always had. I would be lifted on Sunday morning and by Sunday evening, I would sink back into confusion and unbelief. To add insult to injury, my first grandchild was on the way, but because my relationship with our second oldest was torn, I could only hope that she would let me be a part of the baby’s life. Unfulfilled and worn from screaming and shouting sacrificial praises, I began skipping church on Sundays and sought quiet and calm refuge on Sunday mornings listening to pastors online. One particular Sunday in early December I was listening to Creflo Dollar, and he was teaching (not preaching) on Grace. To my ears, it was gibberish. I replayed the message again, still, nothing. By the time I replayed it a third time, I was disgusted with myself. In that moment, I whispered to God that I would fast the first 40 days of 2014, so I could hear clearly, what this preacher was trying to convey to me.

January 1, 2014. My husband and I entered that year unbeknownst to one another, with a new fervor to rekindle our love. We would talk years later, finally together on solid ground, and discover we were both being tormented by thoughts of divorce. But to God be the glory! By the second week of January, I was comfortable in my fasting, I would pray in tongues all day, at work, in my car, in the shower, as I went through my daily grind. I would eat, but only pulse (vegetables) and I would drink herbal tea and water. I could feel God working in me, but I would wait the forty days before I dared watch Dr. Dollar’s sermon on grace again.

On January 18, 2014, I was in the kitchen singing in tongues and preparing my lunch. I felt extra light that day and at peace with the presence of God accompanying me as I worked. The phone rang, when I answered, I was thrilled to hear my daughter’s voice on the other end. She had given birth to our first grandchild. I was overjoyed that she called me. When the call ended, I called my husband, and we celebrated on the phone. I would make two more phone calls that started a series of events leading up to my leaving mainstream religion FOREVER!

I called my sister in Christ and best friend since high school excited to give the news of my first grandchild and how my daughter had called me. I was over the moon. What she said rocked me to my core and left me bewildered. She said and I quote “girl please I knew this three days ago, why are you just finding out?” My granddaughter had indeed been born on January 15, not January 18.

I grew silent. My mouth began to water, and tiny beads of sweat formed on my head. My body grew cold, and I was frozen. I could hear myself respond, “how would I know, our relationship is broken, and you absolutely know this.” I was torn. And then I thought hang up call your mama. I called my mother who expressed the same statement and without skipping a beat she said that my daughter begged her and my best friend not to tell me she was in labor in the hospital as they were the ones along with her husband at her side. My daughter denies this, even today.

I wasn’t angry with my daughter. I totally understood her not wanting me there. It was the harshness, the secrecy, the arrogance in the voices of my friend and mother that destroyed me. Had it not been for my plight to understand God’s grace I would have ended my fast, but I carried on and dismissed it as the devil using the ones, I love to distract me. Afterall I was back in church every Sunday and my marriage was truly back on track. I was continuing my fast and feeling more free day by day.

The second week of February my fast ended and I admit I was a little nervous about revisiting the sermon on Grace that completely boggled my mind. I didn’t go to church but opted to stay home. I would break my fast with the teaching I longed to understand.

From the moment he opened his mouth, I understood everything he was saying. That God’s Grace saved me through my faith in Jesus, not in my efforts and religious strife. In my research for this blog, I think I found the sermon that baffled me. You can watch it here below.

In that hour I was set free from the impending feeling of doom. Feelings of I’m not good enough and I am going to hell. Yes, I was that Christian that believed if I wasn’t perfect, I was damned. When in fact the opposite was true. I am guaranteed a seat just by my belief.

Again, God brought to mind, me asking my friend who was in leadership in the church, what must I do to get into heaven, she knew the answer, but would not tell me.

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A pattern was starting to form. Whenever I needed a revelation from God, I would always have to validate it with human perspective. I needed the church to validate me.

The next Sunday I returned to church, and I heard God say move in the church. Well with my newfound revelation, I sat in church watching waiting for my pastor to validate what God had shown me about Grace. He started out really well, and right when he should have expressed God’s true nature, he would whoop and holler and the church would exploded. For every Sunday after that he would repeat the same actions. And God would whisper in my ear, I said move.

By mid-April, I knew exactly what God was saying to me, when He whispered to me every Sunday “move”. For whatever reason, I knew my pastor would never speak on God’s Grace. I went home that Sunday feeling alone in my beliefs, but I was beginning to relish in the fact that I was different. I understood, I would never fit in. Nor did I want to fit in anymore, I was nothing more than a weak-minded people pleaser. I had been that all my life. Trying to survive my life by pleasing those that made up my circle. Through the abuse I suffered under my parents. Through the involuntary molesting of my body as a preschooler. Through all the ways I disregarded my body to please men. And now here in the church as a Christian wife and mother (blissfully ignorant about the things of God).

The last Sunday in April of 2014, I sat in church on the second row as I always have. And as the pastor got closer to speaking about Grace over the congregation, I once again had hope, in him (the pastor), but when he reached his crescendo, he stepped on the front pew and then the back of the second pew, right next to my head. The congregation was lit, the energy was charged. the organist pounding the organ keys in perfect unison with the pastor’s every word. Over the noise, over the “hold my mule, while I run, God spoke. He didn’t whisper as if on the wind. It was thunderously clear “WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING HERE”! When I left church that day, I knew I would never return.

I went home that Sunday free and full of joy for the first time in my life. I sent an email to The World Changers Satellite Church in my city and made arrangements to join them at that location. Oh the freedom to worship God and not fear hell was invigorating.

While all of this was going on, I was invited to help celebrate the birthday of a young lady, whom I chose to be my oldest daughter’s mentor as a teenager. This young lady was a praise dancer at the church (the church I left) and I loved her energy as a person. She and her sister stood out to me as fearless women of God. And though I was much older than her, we were friends. She was also our family hairdresser at the time. When she invited me, I didn’t wait to answer, it was a resounding yes! She also said something that struck me as odd. She said, I’m going to see who comes out to support me. I would find out after her party just what she meant. At the time I was elated to hang out with my oldest daughter, laughing, eating, drinking and celebrating the life of my sister in Christ. The best part was it was at a night club that I longed to go too. I put together a nice outfit that my husband said looked really nice on me, for a night out on the town. I decided to post to Facebook, that I was dusting off my club card and heading out to dance the night away. With that out of the way, my daughter picked me up and we were off.

I was so nervous; I had not been to a night club in years. My daughter assured me, that I looked great and that she would show me the ropes and that I would be most comfortable, because I knew some of the party goers. I joked with her and told her that we were going to shut the club down! And that’s just what we did. We ate and I ordered a few drinks throughout the night and when the birthday girl saw that her mom and I were kinda like wall flowers, she had the DJ play music we could relate too. New Edition, Keith Sweat, The Fugees and Ron Isley to name a few.

By the time we got home it was after 4 A.M. and I was pooped. But elated about how the evening went. The next morning, I remembered my post and I checked my phone to see everyone’s response to me going out having a good time. What I got instead was a hard blow to the gut. It’s important to mention that as a Christian that has a relationship with God (in my case anyway), I have found that when I do something outside of His will, He lets me know. So, when my best friend and sister in Christ commented on my post that I should take the post down, I was thrown off. This is the same sister who knew of my granddaughter, the same sister who took the joy of having my granddaughter in church. The same sister who could not assure me that God loved me. I responded with “no, I really had a great time celebrating our sister in Christ’s birthday. No sooner did I hit post, she sent me a message in messenger and attached one of the Elders in the church to the message.

I was berated. I was condemned. I was accused of being a sinner. A shameful scar on the house of God. I was crushed. I didn’t feel any of those things, even as they tried to bring it to my attention. I felt free for the first time since I was 13 years old, when I first found Christ and before my abusive ministerial parents took it away. The crushing they placed me under gave way to anger. But God said “hush child, this is why you had to move. The love you were giving was not wanted. the relationship you desire is in me not these hypocrites.” What a revelation, what a joy divine. My heart stopped racing and a peace came over me as I replied,” every day I post something encouraging and God filled on my page, in all these years you have never hit like or responded at all. Never! All I get is crickets. Now that I post about something that truly makes me happy, celebrating our friend, you decide to respond with venom. Well, I am sorry, I will no longer be hiding myself from the world and everything that God has put in the Earth for me to enjoy, I will do just that.” I hit send to usher my reply forward without hesitation or guilt and I walked away. I would check the message later that night, only to ensure that they responded. This was the best way I could ensure that they read my response. I didn’t read their response. I blocked and deleted them forever.

My daughter would tell our friend what happened between me and our so-called sisters in Christ and she responded with something so profound, I will never forget it. She said ” I knew they would have a problem, what they fail to understand is that as long as you were at the club, SO WAS JESUS!!!! I never thought of it that way, but it was true. She saw me as God saw me, as a child of the King. I left her shop that day, full and she will never know the depth of how she helped set me free. I was in a place of light in God’s care. I went home feeling more reassured. The next day was Sunday, and I went to my new church home, fully receptive of what God wanted me to have. Not only Joy, but happiness on this earth.

My husband would leave the bondage of religion that he was in 2 years later and when we talked about the events that led to freedom, he corrected my friend’s statement and said, Kathy all of you sisters in Christ were at the club that God blessed night, not just you. As long as you all were there, Jesus was in the midst. Everyone in that club Jew and Gentile was covered by the blood. Remember love, where you go, the blood goes, and everyone connected to you is blessed. They condemned Jesus for supping with the tax collector.

WHAT A REVELATION!

Beloved, trust the process for your life, I tried to keep God in a religious box. I didn’t believe he would have me leave my church home in such haste.

I wanted to hold onto how people said I should be in Christ. It led to misery and self-deceit. I would never be able to heal from my childhood trauma surrounded by stagnate religious people who saw my light and tried to snuff me out, they never once told my friend she was wrong for celebrating her birthday at a night club, they never told the pastor he was wrong for going to secular concerts. They never once called each other out for talking about members of our circle, instead of praying for them, when they weren’t present. God brought all of this to my attention. He even had my sister drive 2 hours to my house out of the blue (our relationship is shaky) (we are trying) (she was traumatized too as a child) to tell me not to trust my friend, that every conversation I held in her confidence, she immediately made it known to my mother. I was torn. But that’s a journey for another day..

Nowadays I purposely seek out the unwanted. The cast down. I ask God to send me those with church hurt or even those who are suffering in religious values (Mosaic Law), so I can minister His love to them. So, I can allow them Grace, the same Grace, He gives me as His daughter.